The lab went boom!
My patience is so short now-a-days, I simply cannot get the potions done right. No matter how hard I try or how much Va’lis helps me. Even he said, “Alchemy might not be for you, Carrie.” And Va’lis has never said that to me about anything before. It’s really got me all twisted. Why can’t I do this!?
*sighs*
Of course my sire-mother Cherry came running to see if I was alright. Which only served to embarrass me more than I already was. She has been spending more and more time at home with me lately. No doubt to keep an eye on me. But she cannot, despite how hard she tries, give me the sense of safety I need right now. I only felt that with Va’lis but he has been avoiding us as of late. I miss him desperately.
I think I’m an embarrassment to him. I mean to him it’s like, “It’s been three weeks already, get over it!” Meanwhile in my head I keep telling myself, “It’s only been three weeks; give yourself time.” He just expects me to be strong and resilient like Merida, but I’m nothing like her. She’s amazing. I’m just ordinary. I don’t deserve to even be called a Razele. I’m out of their league.
*sighs*
And then there is these rare moments that happen that completely restore my faith in my ability to control the monster that looms just under my skin.
The other night, Merida came to visit me and with her I feel better. Infinitely better. I mean she went through a lot of it with me. No one can understand the fear we felt. Yes both of us, for when they threatened her children she felt it too. In my new sister I have someone I can trust and confide in. One that will understand what I went through. Neither Cherry or Va’lis can really understand what it was like to feel his weight upon me, feeling helpless, his hands ripping at my clothes and forcing my legs open. But Merida can. She was raped once before. And when I look at her I see a light. The light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I just have to get through.
She went to get Rich, who has been so patient and staying in the main house at Monticello. I knew I had put him through hell, questioning the validity of our marriage. Like I didn’t want it; which could not be further from the truth. It is sex I cannot picture without the blood call forcing the issue. But how silly of me to think that if I told Rich everything that somehow he wouldn’t understand, I mean he’s the most understanding person I know.
Rich came and I felt like my old self for a while and the three of us talked. Rich showed Merida all his tattoos — the man has over 40 — which thrilled Merida to no end. She especially liked the ring tattoo he has with my full name on it. She even mentioned that if we ever got the what-ever-you-call-it serum that we could get tattoos before changing back. If I ever got to do that I would get the same ring tattoo he has with his full name on it. To match!
When it came for Merida to go home to her children and handsome husband, I didn’t even mind havig Rich stay with me. So I asked him. Of course he obliged. We spent the entire night just talking and I was brave enough to recount everything to him. We both cried a bit and he kissed me; showing me he loved me still. We ended up sleeping together and we didn’t even need sex. He would wait for me until I was ready. I knew that now. I felt secure in that. I felt a glow overcome me.
Sometimes intimacy can be achieved by the touch of a hand, the loving lips that touch your own, and sometimes that’s just what you need.