I’ve never been so pissed off in my life. I thought Marius simply turning me, then making me his mistress, and then suddenly flipping around and refusing to touch me was bad enough. No, he goes and sticks me in a damned 4 x 4 cell; no light, no sound, and I can’t even have my music to occupy me! With this damned bond, I can feel his emotions. He’s upset he stuck me in here, what the fuck Marius! YOU stuck ME in the cell! Get over it! I’m the one that’s mad!! What else could I do, I sang. I sang every heartbreaking, emotional, heart pulling song I knew in my head. I felt his distress and I felt his want to let me out of there. Yeah, let me out of here Marius, you’ll be the first one I bite!
Day one: I sat there in the dark brooding and singing my songs in my head so that Marius would hear it. I was beside myself with anger and sadness that to teach me to control my natural urges to just outright feed from someone, he stuck me in a jail cell for what, a week? Nothing but this t-shirt and a mini skirt, and the darkness and the cold air of the cell to keep me company.
Day two: I started to get hungry. Still irritated as all hell. I finally settled down enough to think of what Marius was doing. I guess he was helping me, wasn’t he? How else could I learn to control myself around mortals unless I’ve been starved and tempted with a mortal? Lestat never let me starve; he never let me go hungry like this. I sit here and just think of my dear best friend. I missed him not being so close to me now. We do not share a bed anymore, which is fine. He wants to show Louis he can be faithful to him and him alone. I applaud that. I encourage him to; I know his love for the man. I just wish I knew that sort of love too…..
Day three: My chest is heavy, and my throat burns. I remember this feeling from when Marius turned me. I felt so alone and drained at this point. I felt him come to the door, Marius! He came back for me! Is it over yet? Can I leave this room?! No, he just came to keep me company and see how I was doing. I pushed back all my ill feelings and sad thoughts; I felt his worry and his pain. Something was wrong. We sat there and he told me about going to war, and if something should ever happen to him, I would be given to Lestat. I was upset needless to say, I love Marius! I couldn’t bear to have him leave me, not now! He left after a while, so I sung soft calming songs into his mind to ease his terror of the war, it was all I could do, even though I long to touch him again, long to comfort him. I figured out, that was my purpose in my new life, to be his comfort…..
Day Four: They were going to war tonight, I was so worried, but I continued to sing for Marius, I continued to think only happy things to keep him in high spirits. I knew I could not fail this test. I needed to make him proud; he needed me to make him proud. So I ignored the hurt in my chest and pushed forward. Determined to get through the day. I felt Marius approach the cell with someone else, he told me, through our bond to press my head to the door and I heard her voice, Merida! He brought her here with him to visit me! I was so happy, but so very weak at that point. She was attacked previously, and wanted me to know she was okay, and it would end soon. The war would be over very soon. She told me to hang on, and I was strong, encouraged me to press on, words I needed to hear. My dear Merida, she is my muse, my idol. She is the prime example that no matter how bad off someone is, they can turn their life around and become someone great.
Day Five: I sat in the cold corner of my cell in silence. I could not sing anymore, I could not bare the darkness anymore so I pushed myself into my imaginary world. Purple skies, with fluffy pink clouds, so soothing to my soul. I imagined paper roses all around me. Red roses always were my favorite. Daddy used to grow them for me when I was a girl. Daddy, I sit back and I remember him. It brought a smile to my face and pushed me deeper into my happy little imaginary world.
Day Six: I’m colder, I’m weaker, but I am still in my happy place. I wrote a new song in my head and I hope I remember to write it down on paper when I leave here….
“Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you –
50 thousand tears I’ve cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you –
And you still won’t hear me (going under)
Don’t want your hand this time – I’ll save myself.
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom
I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies.
(So I don’t know what’s real)
So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not (don’t know what’s real and what’s not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore
I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I…
So go on and scream
Scream at me I’m so far away (so far away)
I won’t be broken again (again)
I’ve got to breathe – I can’t keep going under
I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under (going under)
I’m going under (drowning in you)
I’m going under…”
Day Seven: Silence. Everything was Silent now. I fought my fear of the dark, I fought my desire to rip Marius a new one when I was released, I fought the hell I went through for all these years. Marius, my love, you are to thank for that. You were right, this has helped me. Merida, I need to thank her for her strengthening words when I get out. Marius threw a Mortal into the cell. Brigand, I knew it by his evil stench, but I could not kill him. I must not kill him. I can do this, I am strong! I sang softly, using all the power I could to make him relax, to make him forget where he was, then I bit him. Oh! His blood was sweet relief I never knew! I drank with greed, I needed this, I nearly lost focus, I needed to keep him alive in order to leave here. I listened to his heart, and only stopped when he was near his death. I felt Marius’ pride in me at that moment. I knew I had passed.
Now I sit in my room, writing down all the songs I created in my head in that week of confinement. Lestat will be very happy and I know he will have me in the recording studio as soon as I am fully ready. I smile, knowing now that I will forever be okay, even if I am alone, I know I am not. I have my music……….